We do not respond emotionally to the world around us, but to the way we interpret the world. There are two primary ways in which our interpretations, or appraisals, can become distorted. First, it is possible to base our appraisals on inaccurate assumptions. If we start with the wrong assumptions about ourselves, others, or life in general, we will end up with inaccurate appraisals. Second, it is possible to interpret the situation at hand in a biased way, whether our assumptions are correct or not.
Faulty Assumptions
As we grow up we develop a set of general rules about how the world works. We realize that if we let go of something in mid-air it will drop downward. We know that if something is glowing red that it is probably hot. We understand that it is best to look both ways before crossing the street. Most of these rules turn out to be correct, but occasionally an inaccurate one slips by. As well, sometimes a rule that is usually true turns out to be false in a particular situation and we have trouble adapting. Astronauts take time to get used to the idea that if they let go of something in mid-air it will not drop. When in Britain, many of us have difficulty learning to look right when starting out across the street.
We also develop a set of general rules about relationships, about evaluating ourselves, about the way people should behave, and about how life works. Again, most of these are correct. But some are more extreme than they should be, some get used in situations when they don't fit, and some are just plain wrong.
Everyone has had at least a few of these distorted rules. But people differ in their life experiences and so their distortions differ as well. How can we possibly hope to identify yours?
Luckily, certain distortions are widely help in any given culture. Chances are, you have some individual distortions that are all your own. Most people do. But at least some of yours are likely to echo some of the examples below. Why bother learning which ones fit you? Because becoming aware of them can help you to challenge them.
Identifying Your Problem Beliefs
Each of the statements and descriptions below represents a common problem belief or distortion. Consider whether any of following fit for you. You may be able to evaluate and discard each statement using your critical mind, but still hold the belief at a deeper level. It is not so important whether you seriously believe the statement, but rather ask yourself if you tend to act as though the statement is true. If you do, then you may be using the assumption, regardless of whether your critical mind believes it or not.
Everything I do must be absolutely perfect; otherwise I am a failure.
This is the core belief of perfectionism. No one is perfect; and most things that most people do are imperfect in some respect. If your standard for feeling good about what you have done is perfection, you will rarely feel satisfied with you efforts. In addition, you may be reluctant to try new things, like skiing, writing, or using computers, because during the learning phase you will make many mistakes.
I must always be at peak efficiency and performance.
This one is related to the perfectionist belief above. Essentially, it states that if you have established s benchmark as your personal best (faster run, highest mark, most done in a day, best performance evaluation, most activities ongoing at one time), then you must continue to meet that standard. There can be no slow days, no bad weeks, no low marks. If you don't perform at your most exceptional level you think it is a catastrophe, and that you will continue to slide forever. It is important to remind yourself that everyone is brighter some days than others and that your personal bests should not become ongoing responsibilities. People recovering from depression frequently have trouble with this belief because although today they might function at 10% efficiency today (maybe an improvement over 2% the day before), they are still not at 100% so it doesn't count.
Life is fair.
Holding this belief will leave you with a lot of guilt when bad things happen to you. If you believe that you get what you deserve, then you will likely believe you have done something wrong to deserve what has happened.
If others disagree with me, then I must be wrong.
If you believe this then you will feel embarrassed and change your opinion when others disagree with you. Having a healthy respect for your own attitudes will allow you to evaluate what others are saying rather than automatically assuming they are correct.
I am only worthwhile as long as I am doing something for someone else.
Feeling guilty and anxious when treating yourself or taking time alone are good indicators that you may hold this belief. Although a completely self-centered lifestyle might hold it's own problems, you do have needs and it is important to spend time fulfilling them. For a person with this belief it can be helpful to turn around a well-known saying; love yourself as you would your neighbor.
The way to be accepted and appreciated by others is to give and give.
This is similar to the belief above, but focuses more on your expectation of what the other person will do in return (be appreciative, do things in return without being asked, etc). In reality this is a great way to be taken advantage of. The solution is to respect yourself the same as you respect others. People holding this belief can benefit from looking back and asking themselves whether this selfless strategy has worked in the past.
Anger is bad.
Anger is a standard element of the human range of emotions, and it has the purpose of allowing you to take control of situations that are bothering you. Anger pressures you to act. Although you need to be careful not to violate the rights of others when acting on anger, it is important not to violate your own rights by suppressing it every time it arises.
I have the power to change people.
The person who believes this will get into relationships not out of an attraction to others the way they are, but because they are attracted to what the person could become. The belief is that by providing a secure, or loving, or education environment, or by the pure force of your personality, the other person will change. You will become resentful for expending all that energy in a futile attempt to change another person, and the other person will become resentful for not being accepted as they are.
Good relationships have no problems.
This belief comes from the "happily ever after" myth. The idea is that if you have found the right partner then the relationship will never require work and effort. The reality is that every long-term relationship (whether romantic or not) requires work and effort, and difficulties are not a sign that the relationship was doomed from the beginning. Of course, there are relationships so troubled that the only real solution is to part. But at least some problems are expected in every relationship.
It is unbearable when life is not how I would like it to be.
This belief states that everything in your life has to be going well in order for you to be happy. But if you think back on your life and others, you will find people do not have perfect lives. In reality, most people whether depressed or not, have areas of difficulty in their lives. It is important to allow and expect your life to be imperfect, rather than defining what it will take for you to be happy.
It is easier to avoid life's problems that to face them.
Remember to look at your behavior rather than whether you truly believe the assumption. Think about how often you have avoided problems in the past and how these situations ended up.
I need someone stronger or more powerful to rely on.
This belief puts you in an inherently helpless position, because you must have someone else around to take responsibility for you. In a relationship, this means that you cannot take charge or assert yourself because the other person might then leave.
Faulty Assumptions
As we grow up we develop a set of general rules about how the world works. We realize that if we let go of something in mid-air it will drop downward. We know that if something is glowing red that it is probably hot. We understand that it is best to look both ways before crossing the street. Most of these rules turn out to be correct, but occasionally an inaccurate one slips by. As well, sometimes a rule that is usually true turns out to be false in a particular situation and we have trouble adapting. Astronauts take time to get used to the idea that if they let go of something in mid-air it will not drop. When in Britain, many of us have difficulty learning to look right when starting out across the street.
We also develop a set of general rules about relationships, about evaluating ourselves, about the way people should behave, and about how life works. Again, most of these are correct. But some are more extreme than they should be, some get used in situations when they don't fit, and some are just plain wrong.
Everyone has had at least a few of these distorted rules. But people differ in their life experiences and so their distortions differ as well. How can we possibly hope to identify yours?
Luckily, certain distortions are widely help in any given culture. Chances are, you have some individual distortions that are all your own. Most people do. But at least some of yours are likely to echo some of the examples below. Why bother learning which ones fit you? Because becoming aware of them can help you to challenge them.
Identifying Your Problem Beliefs
Each of the statements and descriptions below represents a common problem belief or distortion. Consider whether any of following fit for you. You may be able to evaluate and discard each statement using your critical mind, but still hold the belief at a deeper level. It is not so important whether you seriously believe the statement, but rather ask yourself if you tend to act as though the statement is true. If you do, then you may be using the assumption, regardless of whether your critical mind believes it or not.
Everything I do must be absolutely perfect; otherwise I am a failure.
This is the core belief of perfectionism. No one is perfect; and most things that most people do are imperfect in some respect. If your standard for feeling good about what you have done is perfection, you will rarely feel satisfied with you efforts. In addition, you may be reluctant to try new things, like skiing, writing, or using computers, because during the learning phase you will make many mistakes.
I must always be at peak efficiency and performance.
This one is related to the perfectionist belief above. Essentially, it states that if you have established s benchmark as your personal best (faster run, highest mark, most done in a day, best performance evaluation, most activities ongoing at one time), then you must continue to meet that standard. There can be no slow days, no bad weeks, no low marks. If you don't perform at your most exceptional level you think it is a catastrophe, and that you will continue to slide forever. It is important to remind yourself that everyone is brighter some days than others and that your personal bests should not become ongoing responsibilities. People recovering from depression frequently have trouble with this belief because although today they might function at 10% efficiency today (maybe an improvement over 2% the day before), they are still not at 100% so it doesn't count.
Life is fair.
Holding this belief will leave you with a lot of guilt when bad things happen to you. If you believe that you get what you deserve, then you will likely believe you have done something wrong to deserve what has happened.
If others disagree with me, then I must be wrong.
If you believe this then you will feel embarrassed and change your opinion when others disagree with you. Having a healthy respect for your own attitudes will allow you to evaluate what others are saying rather than automatically assuming they are correct.
I am only worthwhile as long as I am doing something for someone else.
Feeling guilty and anxious when treating yourself or taking time alone are good indicators that you may hold this belief. Although a completely self-centered lifestyle might hold it's own problems, you do have needs and it is important to spend time fulfilling them. For a person with this belief it can be helpful to turn around a well-known saying; love yourself as you would your neighbor.
The way to be accepted and appreciated by others is to give and give.
This is similar to the belief above, but focuses more on your expectation of what the other person will do in return (be appreciative, do things in return without being asked, etc). In reality this is a great way to be taken advantage of. The solution is to respect yourself the same as you respect others. People holding this belief can benefit from looking back and asking themselves whether this selfless strategy has worked in the past.
Anger is bad.
Anger is a standard element of the human range of emotions, and it has the purpose of allowing you to take control of situations that are bothering you. Anger pressures you to act. Although you need to be careful not to violate the rights of others when acting on anger, it is important not to violate your own rights by suppressing it every time it arises.
I have the power to change people.
The person who believes this will get into relationships not out of an attraction to others the way they are, but because they are attracted to what the person could become. The belief is that by providing a secure, or loving, or education environment, or by the pure force of your personality, the other person will change. You will become resentful for expending all that energy in a futile attempt to change another person, and the other person will become resentful for not being accepted as they are.
Good relationships have no problems.
This belief comes from the "happily ever after" myth. The idea is that if you have found the right partner then the relationship will never require work and effort. The reality is that every long-term relationship (whether romantic or not) requires work and effort, and difficulties are not a sign that the relationship was doomed from the beginning. Of course, there are relationships so troubled that the only real solution is to part. But at least some problems are expected in every relationship.
It is unbearable when life is not how I would like it to be.
This belief states that everything in your life has to be going well in order for you to be happy. But if you think back on your life and others, you will find people do not have perfect lives. In reality, most people whether depressed or not, have areas of difficulty in their lives. It is important to allow and expect your life to be imperfect, rather than defining what it will take for you to be happy.
It is easier to avoid life's problems that to face them.
Remember to look at your behavior rather than whether you truly believe the assumption. Think about how often you have avoided problems in the past and how these situations ended up.
I need someone stronger or more powerful to rely on.
This belief puts you in an inherently helpless position, because you must have someone else around to take responsibility for you. In a relationship, this means that you cannot take charge or assert yourself because the other person might then leave.
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