Anger is an escalating process. At its peak, our destructive self-statements and high level of anger arousal ignite an explosion. Almost all of us can remember a time when we behaved in a way we later realized was disrespectful to someone we care about.
When anger gets this hot, it is almost impossible to act or think productively because our thoughts and behaviors are escalating each other into a fury. We become trapped in our own anger. For most people, this fury subsides after they are emotionally spent, or when the other person outlasts them. Either way, the fallout is poisonous.
A helpful technique is time out (T.O.) and it will immediately help you deescalate your anger before it becomes too intense. Because intense anger leads to verbal and physical abuse for so many people, and because of its adverse physical effects, it recommended to begin using time out right away. That way, you can avoid the anger trap.
Taking a Time Out (T.O.)
The strategy behind the time out technique is to immediately isolate yourself from the anger-arousing situation. Taking this action will prevent your anger arousal from becoming intense, and at the same time help you reassess the situation.
The time our is implemented when you say, out loud, to yourself, your partner, lover, kids, boss, parents:
"I'M BEGINNING TO FEEL ANGRY AND I WANT TO TAKE A TIME OUT."
And then take it!
Saying this phrase exactly as it is written helps make the time out effective. Here's how:
I'm:
An "I" statement. You begin by talking about yourself instead name calling or blaming.
Beginning to feel angry:
You are talking about how you feel. This is a direct communication. There is nothing unclear about this statement.
I want to take a time out:
Besides making another "I" statement, you are also saying to the other person that you are going to do something other than explode. Your use of the word "want" will drum into your head the fact that you are making a choice to act in a productive way Do NOT say you "need" to take a time out, because this implies that you are compelled to leave rather than wanting to leave. This is a Big Difference. Acknowledging that you are making a productive choice increases your confidence in dealing with anger. Needing to get away tell you that you can't handle it.
When you take a time out, here is what to do:
- You must leave the situation for one hour (no more and no less). This gives you time to cool down. Be sure to tell the other person what a time out is and how it works. If another person is not involved, leave the situation anyhow. After you take your first step, the rest becomes easier.
- Do not drink or take drugs. Drinking and drugs will only make it worse.
- Do something constructively physical, such as walking, jogging, or cleaning. Doing something physical will help discharge some of the angry tension in your body. Make sure that the activity is constructive.
- If you find yourself thinking about the situation that made you angry, say to yourself: "I'M BEGINNING TO FEEL ANGRY AND I WANT TO TAKE A TIME OUT." In this way you will be taking a mental time out as well as a physical time out. The merging of your productive self statements and productive actions will cool down your anger arousal.
- After one hour, return to the situation if the person is still there, or contact them to ask if they would like to talk with you. If you both want to discuss the situation, tell them what it what that made you feel angry. Ask how they felt. You may want to talk about what it was like for each of you during the time out. Share it's effectiveness. This is the beginning of a productive anger dialogue.
- If one of you says, "I don't want to discuss this now", don't. Respect the other's wishes. If this makes you angry, take another time out. The act of taking another time out helps to strengthen your skill in using the time out effectively.
You will find some situations and subjects too hot to return to in one hour. In these cases, take a few hours, or even a few days. You must, however, return to the situation. Doing so will give you the opportunity to cope with it and build your confidence for handling future provocations. Equally important, when you return to the situation, you begin to build trust between those involved.
When intense anger and violence become integrated into a relationship, the trust factor drops significantly. Time outs can help you rebuild trust because every time you return from a time out, you are confirming your commitment to the relationship.
Rebuilding that trust means investing your time and energy. Taking one or two time outs does not mean everything is alright. It simply means the anger is under control. Develop your patience. Concentrate on identifying your anger and using your time outs. They will work if you take the step.
The Creative Time Out
What about the times when you get angry in a restaurant, at a party, at work, or while driving in your car? How can you take a time out in situations like these? The trick is to be creative and think of something that you can do that will prevent the situation from escalating. Although you can't leave a restaurant or party for an hour, you can go into a bathroom for ten minutes and wash your face. Or you might step outside for a few minutes to get a breath of fresh air. Here are some example of creative time outs:
- While driving; listening to three songs before continuing to talk; stopping at a gas station or rest stop to get out and stretch.
- At work; take a ten minute work break before getting back to the task at hand.
- In a restaurant; order first, then talk.
- Count to 50 before you respond
All of these examples are based on the time out strategy of interrupting your anger and can be used in confining situations. As you become more skilled in taking regular time outs, it will be easier for you to use creative time outs effectively.
Practice Time Outs
Practice time outs will help you take real time outs. A practice time out is the same as a real time out except that you are really not feeling angry, and they are only ten minutes long. It is just practice at saying the words and walking away. Tell your mate, "This is a practice time out", then go on to say, "I am beginning to feel angry and I want to take a time out", and go take your ten minutes. The more you take practice time outs, the easier it will be to take real time outs.
Taking Action
1) List three activities that you can do when you take a time out. Knowing what your options are now will make it easier to know what to do when you take a time out. Remember to choose constructive activities that release physical tension.
2) List a different creative time out for each of the following situations:
- In a restaurant
- At work
- In your car
- At a social gathering
3) During the next week, take three practice time outs, plus any real time outs when you are feeling angry, irritated, annoyed, or enraged.
4) Out time out reminders in prominent places - on your desk, or on your night table - to help you remember that you have a response that will immediately stop anger from trapping you. The reminder should say, "I'm beginning to feel angry and I want to talk a time out."
A Mistake People Make In This Work Out:
They say, "I'm beginning to feel angry and I want to take a time out", but don't. Effective time outs require action, not just protective self statements. If you keep saying you want to take a time out and don't, saying the phrase will in itself increase your anger because you will not be doing what you want. Time outs are hard to do. Your first impulse will be to stay and resolve things, or at least get in the last word. But this only makes matters worse. Do not think that by walking away you are avoiding the problem or being unfair to other people. In fact, taking a time out will help them too. Do not be afraid that they will not be there when you return. This is part of the trust building. As you each follow through with you part in the time out, your trust will grow. Although time outs will be difficult for you initially, they will become easier with time and practice.
When anger gets this hot, it is almost impossible to act or think productively because our thoughts and behaviors are escalating each other into a fury. We become trapped in our own anger. For most people, this fury subsides after they are emotionally spent, or when the other person outlasts them. Either way, the fallout is poisonous.
A helpful technique is time out (T.O.) and it will immediately help you deescalate your anger before it becomes too intense. Because intense anger leads to verbal and physical abuse for so many people, and because of its adverse physical effects, it recommended to begin using time out right away. That way, you can avoid the anger trap.
Taking a Time Out (T.O.)
The strategy behind the time out technique is to immediately isolate yourself from the anger-arousing situation. Taking this action will prevent your anger arousal from becoming intense, and at the same time help you reassess the situation.
The time our is implemented when you say, out loud, to yourself, your partner, lover, kids, boss, parents:
"I'M BEGINNING TO FEEL ANGRY AND I WANT TO TAKE A TIME OUT."
And then take it!
Saying this phrase exactly as it is written helps make the time out effective. Here's how:
I'm:
An "I" statement. You begin by talking about yourself instead name calling or blaming.
Beginning to feel angry:
You are talking about how you feel. This is a direct communication. There is nothing unclear about this statement.
I want to take a time out:
Besides making another "I" statement, you are also saying to the other person that you are going to do something other than explode. Your use of the word "want" will drum into your head the fact that you are making a choice to act in a productive way Do NOT say you "need" to take a time out, because this implies that you are compelled to leave rather than wanting to leave. This is a Big Difference. Acknowledging that you are making a productive choice increases your confidence in dealing with anger. Needing to get away tell you that you can't handle it.
When you take a time out, here is what to do:
- You must leave the situation for one hour (no more and no less). This gives you time to cool down. Be sure to tell the other person what a time out is and how it works. If another person is not involved, leave the situation anyhow. After you take your first step, the rest becomes easier.
- Do not drink or take drugs. Drinking and drugs will only make it worse.
- Do something constructively physical, such as walking, jogging, or cleaning. Doing something physical will help discharge some of the angry tension in your body. Make sure that the activity is constructive.
- If you find yourself thinking about the situation that made you angry, say to yourself: "I'M BEGINNING TO FEEL ANGRY AND I WANT TO TAKE A TIME OUT." In this way you will be taking a mental time out as well as a physical time out. The merging of your productive self statements and productive actions will cool down your anger arousal.
- After one hour, return to the situation if the person is still there, or contact them to ask if they would like to talk with you. If you both want to discuss the situation, tell them what it what that made you feel angry. Ask how they felt. You may want to talk about what it was like for each of you during the time out. Share it's effectiveness. This is the beginning of a productive anger dialogue.
- If one of you says, "I don't want to discuss this now", don't. Respect the other's wishes. If this makes you angry, take another time out. The act of taking another time out helps to strengthen your skill in using the time out effectively.
You will find some situations and subjects too hot to return to in one hour. In these cases, take a few hours, or even a few days. You must, however, return to the situation. Doing so will give you the opportunity to cope with it and build your confidence for handling future provocations. Equally important, when you return to the situation, you begin to build trust between those involved.
When intense anger and violence become integrated into a relationship, the trust factor drops significantly. Time outs can help you rebuild trust because every time you return from a time out, you are confirming your commitment to the relationship.
Rebuilding that trust means investing your time and energy. Taking one or two time outs does not mean everything is alright. It simply means the anger is under control. Develop your patience. Concentrate on identifying your anger and using your time outs. They will work if you take the step.
The Creative Time Out
What about the times when you get angry in a restaurant, at a party, at work, or while driving in your car? How can you take a time out in situations like these? The trick is to be creative and think of something that you can do that will prevent the situation from escalating. Although you can't leave a restaurant or party for an hour, you can go into a bathroom for ten minutes and wash your face. Or you might step outside for a few minutes to get a breath of fresh air. Here are some example of creative time outs:
- While driving; listening to three songs before continuing to talk; stopping at a gas station or rest stop to get out and stretch.
- At work; take a ten minute work break before getting back to the task at hand.
- In a restaurant; order first, then talk.
- Count to 50 before you respond
All of these examples are based on the time out strategy of interrupting your anger and can be used in confining situations. As you become more skilled in taking regular time outs, it will be easier for you to use creative time outs effectively.
Practice Time Outs
Practice time outs will help you take real time outs. A practice time out is the same as a real time out except that you are really not feeling angry, and they are only ten minutes long. It is just practice at saying the words and walking away. Tell your mate, "This is a practice time out", then go on to say, "I am beginning to feel angry and I want to take a time out", and go take your ten minutes. The more you take practice time outs, the easier it will be to take real time outs.
Taking Action
1) List three activities that you can do when you take a time out. Knowing what your options are now will make it easier to know what to do when you take a time out. Remember to choose constructive activities that release physical tension.
2) List a different creative time out for each of the following situations:
- In a restaurant
- At work
- In your car
- At a social gathering
3) During the next week, take three practice time outs, plus any real time outs when you are feeling angry, irritated, annoyed, or enraged.
4) Out time out reminders in prominent places - on your desk, or on your night table - to help you remember that you have a response that will immediately stop anger from trapping you. The reminder should say, "I'm beginning to feel angry and I want to talk a time out."
A Mistake People Make In This Work Out:
They say, "I'm beginning to feel angry and I want to take a time out", but don't. Effective time outs require action, not just protective self statements. If you keep saying you want to take a time out and don't, saying the phrase will in itself increase your anger because you will not be doing what you want. Time outs are hard to do. Your first impulse will be to stay and resolve things, or at least get in the last word. But this only makes matters worse. Do not think that by walking away you are avoiding the problem or being unfair to other people. In fact, taking a time out will help them too. Do not be afraid that they will not be there when you return. This is part of the trust building. As you each follow through with you part in the time out, your trust will grow. Although time outs will be difficult for you initially, they will become easier with time and practice.
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