Myths and Facts about Anger
Myth: A person, thing, or event is the cause of the anger-making situation.
Fact: People, things, and events do not cause anger. It is the way they are interpreted and judged that causes anger.
Myth: People with anger problems speak and act before they think.
Fact: Everyone has to think first to be able to speak and act. However, the first thought of people with anger problems may be to judge or punish. This leads to problem behavior. They don't take the time to check out their thinking and what it makes them do.
Myth: Some people cannot manage their anger.
Fact: With the possible exception of some people with severe brain damage, everyone manages their anger either constructively or inappropriately, depending on what their goal is.
Myth: Conflict, frustration, and anger cause violence.
Fact: Even ill tempered people experience conflict and frustration at time without becoming violent. Violence is a choice.
Myth: Anger will not go away unless a person strikes someone or something or gets revenge in some other way.
Fact: Time outs, distractions, reflection, discussion, and constructive conflict management are healthy ways of overcoming anger. Thoughts of punishing or revenge only serve to prolong the anger.
Myth: Anger problems and abuse often run in families and is thought to be genetically inherited.
Fact: These problems often run in families, but are the result of learning unhealthy habits of thinking and behavior.
Myth: A person who is in a rampage and using violence against another is out of control.
Fact: An abusive person in the midst of a rampage or tirade may suddenly become very polite and calm to answer the phone or if the neighbors or police appear on the scene. This shows a high degree of control. It is certainly not like the person having an epileptic seizure who can nothing to stop it. Violence is a choice designed to hurt, punish, or control another. People give themselves permission to behave violently.
Managing Anger Constructively
The goal of anger management is to keep overall long term stress at a minimum. This is achieved by reducing the frequency and intensity of unhelpful anger and by dealing with anger constructively. Here are some tips on anger management:
- Learn to understand you own anger and other reactions.
Only you can do something about your anger. Take responsibility for what is in your control; your thoughts, your emotions, your behaviors and other reactions. Don't blame others for your reactions. Interpret events as accurately as you can. Choose constructive ways of responding.
- Be objective.
Look for the difference between your point of view of an event and the event itself. Overly negative interpretations create unnecessary stress and anger.
- Avoid faulty thinking that increases anger.
Jumping to conclusions, making generalizations (words like "always", "never"), exaggerating a problem, or using foul language and labels all lead to unnecessary anger and stress.
- Have conversations with yourself.
Keeping in mind that the goal is to be constructive, focus on what is helpful, what you can do to improve the situation and how you can act in a respectful manner.
- Keep things in perspective.
Consider all relevant factors, including interests and well-being of others.
- Find the good in a bad situation.
Learn something from the way you are able to change you thinking.
- Listen carefully, especially when you disagree.
Try to understand the other person's perspective. This will help to keep your anger levels low, and since it shows respect for the other person, that person's anger is less likely to increase. Focus on the concern the other person is expressing rather than on any abusive language being used. Don't take everything that is said as a personal insult.
- Express your concerns briefly and firmly, describing the problem in terms of behavior.
Describe your feelings using "I" statements. Don't attack the other person. Example: "When you are more than 15 minutes late and I don't hear from you, I get anxious and worried.", as opposed to "Why do you do this to me?" or "You're so inconsiderate!"
- Use time out when anger is likely to hinder constructive discussion or action.
Politely indicate to the other person that you are angry and want a time out. Visualize taking a time out, then leave and go for a walk or jog. Think calming thoughts and focus on pleasant things around you to distract you from your anger. Return and discuss the matter again, and if you want another time out, take one. If, on return, you are still unable to discuss it effectively, take yet another time out, and don't resume the discussion. Leave the matter to be discussed with the help a mediator or counselor.
- Develop a constructive attitude in dealing with anger and conflict.
Decide you will help find a solution rather than getting back at the other person. Develop a set of statements you can say to yourself before, during, and after an anger inducing situation. By repeating the statements you can keep focused on the problem and manage your anger constructively. Here are some examples of self statements:
Before an event; "I can solve this." "I want to be constructive." "I can handle this." "Here's what I know I can do.."
During an event; "I will be polite." "Take it easy, no point in getting mad." "Listen carefully." "Focus on the concern." "Don't attack the person, no put downs." "I don't have to take this personally." "Focus on the positive."
(If you begin to experience anger, notice the physical signs such as muscle tension and heart pounding, and use the skills that work for you to deescalate.)
After an event; "I am proud of the way I acted." "I did well, and I can do it again." "I didn't handle that as well as I could have; I will learn what I can do differently the next time."
A preventative strategy involves visualizing situations when conflict and anger can occur, then picturing yourself using your rehearsal statements to yourself in each of the above phases. This gives you practice and builds confidence to face challenges before they arise.
If you continue to have difficulty with anger, consult a counselor who is skilled in anger management issues.
Source: Arleigh S. Porte, Ph.D, charted psychologist, EAP counselor with the City of Calgary Transportation Department, a consultant with Janus Associates.
References for Module 2.1-2.6
Potter-Efron, Ronald (2005). Angry All the Time: New Harbinger Publications. 8-step anger management program
Potter-Efron, Ronald and Potter-Efron Patricia S (2006). Letting go of Anger: New Harbinger Publications. Identifies 11 most common anger patterns and offers step by step advice on overcoming them.
Potter-Efron, Ronald (2001). Stop the Anger Now: New Harbinger Publications. Workbook to help people gain an awareness of angry thoughts, feelings, and actions.
Myth: A person, thing, or event is the cause of the anger-making situation.
Fact: People, things, and events do not cause anger. It is the way they are interpreted and judged that causes anger.
Myth: People with anger problems speak and act before they think.
Fact: Everyone has to think first to be able to speak and act. However, the first thought of people with anger problems may be to judge or punish. This leads to problem behavior. They don't take the time to check out their thinking and what it makes them do.
Myth: Some people cannot manage their anger.
Fact: With the possible exception of some people with severe brain damage, everyone manages their anger either constructively or inappropriately, depending on what their goal is.
Myth: Conflict, frustration, and anger cause violence.
Fact: Even ill tempered people experience conflict and frustration at time without becoming violent. Violence is a choice.
Myth: Anger will not go away unless a person strikes someone or something or gets revenge in some other way.
Fact: Time outs, distractions, reflection, discussion, and constructive conflict management are healthy ways of overcoming anger. Thoughts of punishing or revenge only serve to prolong the anger.
Myth: Anger problems and abuse often run in families and is thought to be genetically inherited.
Fact: These problems often run in families, but are the result of learning unhealthy habits of thinking and behavior.
Myth: A person who is in a rampage and using violence against another is out of control.
Fact: An abusive person in the midst of a rampage or tirade may suddenly become very polite and calm to answer the phone or if the neighbors or police appear on the scene. This shows a high degree of control. It is certainly not like the person having an epileptic seizure who can nothing to stop it. Violence is a choice designed to hurt, punish, or control another. People give themselves permission to behave violently.
Managing Anger Constructively
The goal of anger management is to keep overall long term stress at a minimum. This is achieved by reducing the frequency and intensity of unhelpful anger and by dealing with anger constructively. Here are some tips on anger management:
- Learn to understand you own anger and other reactions.
Only you can do something about your anger. Take responsibility for what is in your control; your thoughts, your emotions, your behaviors and other reactions. Don't blame others for your reactions. Interpret events as accurately as you can. Choose constructive ways of responding.
- Be objective.
Look for the difference between your point of view of an event and the event itself. Overly negative interpretations create unnecessary stress and anger.
- Avoid faulty thinking that increases anger.
Jumping to conclusions, making generalizations (words like "always", "never"), exaggerating a problem, or using foul language and labels all lead to unnecessary anger and stress.
- Have conversations with yourself.
Keeping in mind that the goal is to be constructive, focus on what is helpful, what you can do to improve the situation and how you can act in a respectful manner.
- Keep things in perspective.
Consider all relevant factors, including interests and well-being of others.
- Find the good in a bad situation.
Learn something from the way you are able to change you thinking.
- Listen carefully, especially when you disagree.
Try to understand the other person's perspective. This will help to keep your anger levels low, and since it shows respect for the other person, that person's anger is less likely to increase. Focus on the concern the other person is expressing rather than on any abusive language being used. Don't take everything that is said as a personal insult.
- Express your concerns briefly and firmly, describing the problem in terms of behavior.
Describe your feelings using "I" statements. Don't attack the other person. Example: "When you are more than 15 minutes late and I don't hear from you, I get anxious and worried.", as opposed to "Why do you do this to me?" or "You're so inconsiderate!"
- Use time out when anger is likely to hinder constructive discussion or action.
Politely indicate to the other person that you are angry and want a time out. Visualize taking a time out, then leave and go for a walk or jog. Think calming thoughts and focus on pleasant things around you to distract you from your anger. Return and discuss the matter again, and if you want another time out, take one. If, on return, you are still unable to discuss it effectively, take yet another time out, and don't resume the discussion. Leave the matter to be discussed with the help a mediator or counselor.
- Develop a constructive attitude in dealing with anger and conflict.
Decide you will help find a solution rather than getting back at the other person. Develop a set of statements you can say to yourself before, during, and after an anger inducing situation. By repeating the statements you can keep focused on the problem and manage your anger constructively. Here are some examples of self statements:
Before an event; "I can solve this." "I want to be constructive." "I can handle this." "Here's what I know I can do.."
During an event; "I will be polite." "Take it easy, no point in getting mad." "Listen carefully." "Focus on the concern." "Don't attack the person, no put downs." "I don't have to take this personally." "Focus on the positive."
(If you begin to experience anger, notice the physical signs such as muscle tension and heart pounding, and use the skills that work for you to deescalate.)
After an event; "I am proud of the way I acted." "I did well, and I can do it again." "I didn't handle that as well as I could have; I will learn what I can do differently the next time."
A preventative strategy involves visualizing situations when conflict and anger can occur, then picturing yourself using your rehearsal statements to yourself in each of the above phases. This gives you practice and builds confidence to face challenges before they arise.
If you continue to have difficulty with anger, consult a counselor who is skilled in anger management issues.
Source: Arleigh S. Porte, Ph.D, charted psychologist, EAP counselor with the City of Calgary Transportation Department, a consultant with Janus Associates.
References for Module 2.1-2.6
Potter-Efron, Ronald (2005). Angry All the Time: New Harbinger Publications. 8-step anger management program
Potter-Efron, Ronald and Potter-Efron Patricia S (2006). Letting go of Anger: New Harbinger Publications. Identifies 11 most common anger patterns and offers step by step advice on overcoming them.
Potter-Efron, Ronald (2001). Stop the Anger Now: New Harbinger Publications. Workbook to help people gain an awareness of angry thoughts, feelings, and actions.
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