"You" Messages / "I" Messages
When we communicate using "You" messages, we make assumptions about the other persons intentions and often end up blaming them and not taking responsibility for our own thoughts and emotions. When we communicate using "I" messages, we are giving our own point of view and taking responsibility for ourselves. Look at each of the statements below, and change the "You" messages into "I" messages.
For example:
"You never ask me for my opinion on major decisions."
- I would appreciate it if you asked for my input before making bigger decisions.
"When are you going to stop feeling sorry for yourself?"
- I ...
"You make fun of my opinions."
- I ...
"When you get up from watching TV to get a drink, you don't ask whether I want something too."
- I ...
"When are you going to pay attention to me the way you do to others?"
- I ...
"You will never amount to anything."
- I ...
"You rarely pay me a compliment."
- I ...
"You never clean up after yourself."
- I ...
"You have a foul mouth."
- I ...
"Why can't you look nice for me when we stay home on the weekends?"
- I ...
"You need to spend more time with the children."
- I ...
"You make me sick when you drink."
- I ...
"You always take your mother's side in an argument rather than mine."
- I ...
"When are you going to understand my feelings?"
- I ...
"At a party you get mad if I'm talking to someone else."
- I ...
"You don't want to take me out anywhere."
- I ...
"You are just like your father."
- I ...
"If you loved me you would stay home more often."
- I ...
"You should be more responsible."
- I ...
"You don't touch me, kiss me, or hug me except when you want sex."
- I ...
Roadblocks to Communication
There are some ways of communicating that usually put up barriers between the sender and the receiver. These are some examples of behaviors that can be roadblocks to communicating with others. Take a look at the "I" messages you've used in the previous exercise to see if you've used these methods, and whether that is effective or ineffective.
1. Directing, Ordering, Commanding
- Get out here this minute!
- You pick up your clothes.
2. Warning, Threatening
- You pick up your clothes or you're not going out tonight!
- If you don't stop treating your mother that way, you won't get to use the car.
3. Moralizing, Preaching
- Don't you know that eating with dirty hands can make you sick?
- If you continue being late to school, you'll have a habit of being late for everything.
4. Persuading with Logic, Arguing, Intructing
- Do you realize that... ?
- Actually, the facts are...
5. Providing Solutions
- It would be best for you if...
- Here's what you should do...
6. Judging Negatively, Criticizing, Blaming
- You ought to know better than that!
- You started it, it's your fault.
7. Name Calling, Ridiculing, Shaming
- You're a spoiled brat!
- Shame on you.
8. Praising, Judging Positively
- You're such a good boy!
- That's a very good drawing.
9. Interpreting, Psychoanalyzing
- I'll tell you your problem...
- You're just trying to get attention...
10. Prematurely Reassuring
- Don't worry about it.
- It's not as bad as you think.
11. Questioning, Probing, Interrogating
- And where were you tonight?
- Why did you do that in the first place?
12. Diverting, Avoiding, Digressing
- Forget about it...
- Not at the dinner table, please!
13. Kidding, Teasing, Sarcasm
- Get up on the wrong side of the bed?
- Who made you the expert?
Feeling Words
This is a list of some feeling words that can be used to identify our feelings and describe how we are feeling to others. These words can be useful when constructing our own "I" messages when we are wanting to communicate with the people around us.
Distant, Close, Dominant, Submissive, Dependent, Independent, Talkative, Quiet, Angry, Evasive, Embarrassed, Deferential, Cooperative, Contemptuous, Firm, Aggressive, Self-Assured, Anxious, Seductive, Open, Happy, Sad, Fearful, Guilty, Enraged, Panicky, Grief Stricken, Calm, Confident, Timid, Two-Faced, Dishonest, Warm, Nauseated, Sweaty, Dead Eyed, Choked Up, Itchy, Irritated, Excited, Breathless, Relaxed, Appealing, Hard, Dull, Soft, Cold, Determined, Defiant, Surprised, Horrified, Ecstatic, Joyful, Depressed, Immobilized, Paralyzed, Uptight, Tense, Stretched, Taut, Bushed, Strong, Affectionate, Light, Airy, Grateful, Compassionate, Sympathetic, Empathetic, Lonely, Proud, Humble, Alarmed, Threatened, Comforted, Hopeful, Loving, Tolerant, Beaten, Burdened, Weepy, Carefree, Edgy, Grumpy, Confused, Powerless, Hopeless, Inadequate, Impatient, Played Out, Bored, Ashamed, Frustrated, Tender, Sexy, Afraid, Silly, Giddy, Thrilled, Peaceful, Bewildered, Contented, Estranged, Gutless, Torn, Mixed Up, Cautious, Thankful, Pleased, Spineless, Terrified, Insecure, Courageous, Jealous, Frisky, Belligerent, Envious, Resentful, Vacant, Respectful...
When we communicate using "You" messages, we make assumptions about the other persons intentions and often end up blaming them and not taking responsibility for our own thoughts and emotions. When we communicate using "I" messages, we are giving our own point of view and taking responsibility for ourselves. Look at each of the statements below, and change the "You" messages into "I" messages.
For example:
"You never ask me for my opinion on major decisions."
- I would appreciate it if you asked for my input before making bigger decisions.
"When are you going to stop feeling sorry for yourself?"
- I ...
"You make fun of my opinions."
- I ...
"When you get up from watching TV to get a drink, you don't ask whether I want something too."
- I ...
"When are you going to pay attention to me the way you do to others?"
- I ...
"You will never amount to anything."
- I ...
"You rarely pay me a compliment."
- I ...
"You never clean up after yourself."
- I ...
"You have a foul mouth."
- I ...
"Why can't you look nice for me when we stay home on the weekends?"
- I ...
"You need to spend more time with the children."
- I ...
"You make me sick when you drink."
- I ...
"You always take your mother's side in an argument rather than mine."
- I ...
"When are you going to understand my feelings?"
- I ...
"At a party you get mad if I'm talking to someone else."
- I ...
"You don't want to take me out anywhere."
- I ...
"You are just like your father."
- I ...
"If you loved me you would stay home more often."
- I ...
"You should be more responsible."
- I ...
"You don't touch me, kiss me, or hug me except when you want sex."
- I ...
Roadblocks to Communication
There are some ways of communicating that usually put up barriers between the sender and the receiver. These are some examples of behaviors that can be roadblocks to communicating with others. Take a look at the "I" messages you've used in the previous exercise to see if you've used these methods, and whether that is effective or ineffective.
1. Directing, Ordering, Commanding
- Get out here this minute!
- You pick up your clothes.
2. Warning, Threatening
- You pick up your clothes or you're not going out tonight!
- If you don't stop treating your mother that way, you won't get to use the car.
3. Moralizing, Preaching
- Don't you know that eating with dirty hands can make you sick?
- If you continue being late to school, you'll have a habit of being late for everything.
4. Persuading with Logic, Arguing, Intructing
- Do you realize that... ?
- Actually, the facts are...
5. Providing Solutions
- It would be best for you if...
- Here's what you should do...
6. Judging Negatively, Criticizing, Blaming
- You ought to know better than that!
- You started it, it's your fault.
7. Name Calling, Ridiculing, Shaming
- You're a spoiled brat!
- Shame on you.
8. Praising, Judging Positively
- You're such a good boy!
- That's a very good drawing.
9. Interpreting, Psychoanalyzing
- I'll tell you your problem...
- You're just trying to get attention...
10. Prematurely Reassuring
- Don't worry about it.
- It's not as bad as you think.
11. Questioning, Probing, Interrogating
- And where were you tonight?
- Why did you do that in the first place?
12. Diverting, Avoiding, Digressing
- Forget about it...
- Not at the dinner table, please!
13. Kidding, Teasing, Sarcasm
- Get up on the wrong side of the bed?
- Who made you the expert?
Feeling Words
This is a list of some feeling words that can be used to identify our feelings and describe how we are feeling to others. These words can be useful when constructing our own "I" messages when we are wanting to communicate with the people around us.
Distant, Close, Dominant, Submissive, Dependent, Independent, Talkative, Quiet, Angry, Evasive, Embarrassed, Deferential, Cooperative, Contemptuous, Firm, Aggressive, Self-Assured, Anxious, Seductive, Open, Happy, Sad, Fearful, Guilty, Enraged, Panicky, Grief Stricken, Calm, Confident, Timid, Two-Faced, Dishonest, Warm, Nauseated, Sweaty, Dead Eyed, Choked Up, Itchy, Irritated, Excited, Breathless, Relaxed, Appealing, Hard, Dull, Soft, Cold, Determined, Defiant, Surprised, Horrified, Ecstatic, Joyful, Depressed, Immobilized, Paralyzed, Uptight, Tense, Stretched, Taut, Bushed, Strong, Affectionate, Light, Airy, Grateful, Compassionate, Sympathetic, Empathetic, Lonely, Proud, Humble, Alarmed, Threatened, Comforted, Hopeful, Loving, Tolerant, Beaten, Burdened, Weepy, Carefree, Edgy, Grumpy, Confused, Powerless, Hopeless, Inadequate, Impatient, Played Out, Bored, Ashamed, Frustrated, Tender, Sexy, Afraid, Silly, Giddy, Thrilled, Peaceful, Bewildered, Contented, Estranged, Gutless, Torn, Mixed Up, Cautious, Thankful, Pleased, Spineless, Terrified, Insecure, Courageous, Jealous, Frisky, Belligerent, Envious, Resentful, Vacant, Respectful...
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