Responsible Assertive Behavior
Definition : Standing up for personal rights and expressing thoughts, feelings, and beliefs in direct, honest and appropriate ways, without denying the rights of others or hurting others. It involves getting across a message such as, "This is what I think", "This is how I feel", or "This is my point of view".
The Two Types of Respect Involved : Respect of one's self, one's own rights and needs, and respect for the needs and rights of others.
The Goals of Responsible Assertive Behavior
Direct, honest communication and "mutuality" means getting and giving respect, asking for (and giving) fair play, and an equal exchange. This allows room for compromise when needs and rights conflict.
If you're afraid of hurting others feelings by behaving assertively, this risk is minimized. People who do become hurt may either be too sensitive, or they may be trying to manipulate you into feeling guilty by showing their hurt or hostility. This, however, is not a disaster. By trying to do things in such a way as to never hurt anyone under any circumstance, we end up hurting ourselves (and others) and denying our own rights. The following may result: negative feelings about ourselves, loss of self esteem, loss of the respect of others, angry feelings, a desire for withdrawal by one or both parties, and the relationship suffers.
What is Gained by Responsible Assertion
Assertion, rather than submission, manipulation or hostility enriches lives and ultimately leads to more satisfying personal relationships. By standing up for ourselves and letting our needs be known, we gain self respect and the respect of others. When we continually sacrifice our rights, we let others take advantage of us. By being assertive and telling others how their behavior affects us, we give them an opportunity to change it and we show respect for their right to know where they stand with us. Not letting others know what we think, feel and want from them is as selfish as not attending to others thoughts, feelings and desires.
Commonly Asked Questions about Rights
Q: What if your rights conflict with the rights of the other person?
A: The philosophy of responsible assertion is that of taking a flexible stance; not a rigid one. When conflicts of rights occur, it is appropriate, as well as reasonable, to try to work out a compromise where both parties can get some satisfaction. It is important, of course, that such compromises do not involve a loss of personal integrity.
Q: If both parties are equally assertive, won't this lead to dead end conflicts?
A: No, dead end conflicts are much less likely to occur when both parties are responsibly assertive because they will realize that it is necessary to try to understand the other person's position; as well as their own. They will consider compromise without the loss of integrity. People do not have to win in order to feel okay about themselves.
Your assertion may cause the other person to reconsider their action; perhaps it won't. But you will know that you expressed yourself in the situation and can feel good that you took care of yourself.
Q: Must I always assert my rights?
A: No. You are always free to choose not to assert yourself, assuming that you are also willing to take the responsibility for whatever consequences may then occur. It is important to decide for yourself when and how you will be assertive and that you do not allow yourself to become trapped by a new set of restricting rules to live by, such as "You must be perfectly assertive at all times or else you are a failure and should feel guilty".
Q: Don't I have to develop self confidence before I am assertive?
A: People generally find it easier to act assertively if they have self confidence. However, waiting until you develop more self confidence may mean waiting a long time. What seems to be faster is to first take risks is small areas, and where you have little to lose. As you succeed with small assertions, your self confidence and sense of self worth are likely to increase.
Q: Are there any rights I don't have?
A: You do not have an inalienable right to have others act "correctly". Also, no one has the right to use feelings as a weapon to control or bully, to use feelings manipulatively to make the other person responsible for them, or to mistreat people just because of a bad mood.
Assertiveness Key Words
Context
Some contexts call for more assertiveness than others. When you are at a kindly relative's home you might accept a poured cup of tea even after you had declined the offer. But when the issue is more important, it is appropriate for you to be more firm in your position.
Strengthening
Sometimes it can be difficult to decide how assertive to be. Do you politely decline an obnoxious request, or do you shout "NO"? Sometimes those who are overly aggressive, or those who are just learning assertiveness skills, start out an exchange with an overly aggressive statement. Those who are unassertive start too mild and then cave in if it doesn't work. An appropriate strategy is often to start with your best estimate of the appropriate strength of response, or perhaps just a shade milder. When this level of assertion does not get the response needed, an escalation to a stronger stance is necessary. Each response should be firmer than the last, without apology. You have the right to stand up for yourself and to be direct. If you fail to strengthen your responses you may well not have your rights respected, and others will learn that if they push hard enough you will crumble. You will feel frustrated and powerless. Once you are frustrated, you will find it more difficult to come up with creative solutions for the problem and the only option that may look good to you is angry aggressive overkill.
Habit
It is important to make assertion a habit. A first response that is appropriately assertive can often eliminate the need for escalation and it will stop the cycle of Aggression => Passive Response => Frustration => Aggressive Response.
Respect
When you assert yourself you express respect for others, but more importantly you build your self respect.
Priming
Priming means practicing assertiveness in minor situations to help establish the assertiveness habit. Unfortunately, we often don't recognize a potential practice opportunity until it has gone by. Don't be loyal to your mistakes. You can go back to a person with whom you have been passive and discuss the situation again.
Time
If you recognize during an exchange that you could be more assertive, but you don't quite know how, you have a right to ask for time. Use phrases like "I can't answer you right now", or "give me some time to think about that".
Openness
Assertiveness is a skill which is not only used in situations involving conflict. In ongoing relationships the more you can express, the less underlying tension there will be in the relationship. Being assertive is also being willing and able to share and express inner feelings and convictions. Being assertive in close or intimate relationships opens communication.
Definition : Standing up for personal rights and expressing thoughts, feelings, and beliefs in direct, honest and appropriate ways, without denying the rights of others or hurting others. It involves getting across a message such as, "This is what I think", "This is how I feel", or "This is my point of view".
The Two Types of Respect Involved : Respect of one's self, one's own rights and needs, and respect for the needs and rights of others.
The Goals of Responsible Assertive Behavior
Direct, honest communication and "mutuality" means getting and giving respect, asking for (and giving) fair play, and an equal exchange. This allows room for compromise when needs and rights conflict.
If you're afraid of hurting others feelings by behaving assertively, this risk is minimized. People who do become hurt may either be too sensitive, or they may be trying to manipulate you into feeling guilty by showing their hurt or hostility. This, however, is not a disaster. By trying to do things in such a way as to never hurt anyone under any circumstance, we end up hurting ourselves (and others) and denying our own rights. The following may result: negative feelings about ourselves, loss of self esteem, loss of the respect of others, angry feelings, a desire for withdrawal by one or both parties, and the relationship suffers.
What is Gained by Responsible Assertion
Assertion, rather than submission, manipulation or hostility enriches lives and ultimately leads to more satisfying personal relationships. By standing up for ourselves and letting our needs be known, we gain self respect and the respect of others. When we continually sacrifice our rights, we let others take advantage of us. By being assertive and telling others how their behavior affects us, we give them an opportunity to change it and we show respect for their right to know where they stand with us. Not letting others know what we think, feel and want from them is as selfish as not attending to others thoughts, feelings and desires.
Commonly Asked Questions about Rights
Q: What if your rights conflict with the rights of the other person?
A: The philosophy of responsible assertion is that of taking a flexible stance; not a rigid one. When conflicts of rights occur, it is appropriate, as well as reasonable, to try to work out a compromise where both parties can get some satisfaction. It is important, of course, that such compromises do not involve a loss of personal integrity.
Q: If both parties are equally assertive, won't this lead to dead end conflicts?
A: No, dead end conflicts are much less likely to occur when both parties are responsibly assertive because they will realize that it is necessary to try to understand the other person's position; as well as their own. They will consider compromise without the loss of integrity. People do not have to win in order to feel okay about themselves.
Your assertion may cause the other person to reconsider their action; perhaps it won't. But you will know that you expressed yourself in the situation and can feel good that you took care of yourself.
Q: Must I always assert my rights?
A: No. You are always free to choose not to assert yourself, assuming that you are also willing to take the responsibility for whatever consequences may then occur. It is important to decide for yourself when and how you will be assertive and that you do not allow yourself to become trapped by a new set of restricting rules to live by, such as "You must be perfectly assertive at all times or else you are a failure and should feel guilty".
Q: Don't I have to develop self confidence before I am assertive?
A: People generally find it easier to act assertively if they have self confidence. However, waiting until you develop more self confidence may mean waiting a long time. What seems to be faster is to first take risks is small areas, and where you have little to lose. As you succeed with small assertions, your self confidence and sense of self worth are likely to increase.
Q: Are there any rights I don't have?
A: You do not have an inalienable right to have others act "correctly". Also, no one has the right to use feelings as a weapon to control or bully, to use feelings manipulatively to make the other person responsible for them, or to mistreat people just because of a bad mood.
Assertiveness Key Words
Context
Some contexts call for more assertiveness than others. When you are at a kindly relative's home you might accept a poured cup of tea even after you had declined the offer. But when the issue is more important, it is appropriate for you to be more firm in your position.
Strengthening
Sometimes it can be difficult to decide how assertive to be. Do you politely decline an obnoxious request, or do you shout "NO"? Sometimes those who are overly aggressive, or those who are just learning assertiveness skills, start out an exchange with an overly aggressive statement. Those who are unassertive start too mild and then cave in if it doesn't work. An appropriate strategy is often to start with your best estimate of the appropriate strength of response, or perhaps just a shade milder. When this level of assertion does not get the response needed, an escalation to a stronger stance is necessary. Each response should be firmer than the last, without apology. You have the right to stand up for yourself and to be direct. If you fail to strengthen your responses you may well not have your rights respected, and others will learn that if they push hard enough you will crumble. You will feel frustrated and powerless. Once you are frustrated, you will find it more difficult to come up with creative solutions for the problem and the only option that may look good to you is angry aggressive overkill.
Habit
It is important to make assertion a habit. A first response that is appropriately assertive can often eliminate the need for escalation and it will stop the cycle of Aggression => Passive Response => Frustration => Aggressive Response.
Respect
When you assert yourself you express respect for others, but more importantly you build your self respect.
Priming
Priming means practicing assertiveness in minor situations to help establish the assertiveness habit. Unfortunately, we often don't recognize a potential practice opportunity until it has gone by. Don't be loyal to your mistakes. You can go back to a person with whom you have been passive and discuss the situation again.
Time
If you recognize during an exchange that you could be more assertive, but you don't quite know how, you have a right to ask for time. Use phrases like "I can't answer you right now", or "give me some time to think about that".
Openness
Assertiveness is a skill which is not only used in situations involving conflict. In ongoing relationships the more you can express, the less underlying tension there will be in the relationship. Being assertive is also being willing and able to share and express inner feelings and convictions. Being assertive in close or intimate relationships opens communication.
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