Assertiveness Skills for Conflict Resolution
Find out what's really going on. Describe the situation as you see it, and ask others to describe it as they see it.
Be honest about your opinion. Use the word "I" to make sure people understand that this is your opinion, but state it clearly. "I think..."
Be clear about your needs. You have a right to be respected and cared for, but others can't help you unless you are direct about what you need.
Find out what others need from you. Actively seek this information. Don't assume anything.
State your feelings. They are an important consideration in any decision that is made. At the same time, be open to the emotions and criticism others need to express.
Be creative and flexible in your decision making. Having thought through all of the above; be comfortable with your decision. Don't be apologetic, but be willing to both give and take praise and criticism.
Use body language effectively. Make eye contact. Relax your hands and face. Use a firm, warm voice and speak up clearly.
Helpful Hints for Saying NO to Requests and Demands
- Be brief. Give a legitimate reason for your refusal; eg. "I really don't have the time". Avoid lengthy explanations and untruths; "I can't come tonight because I'm expecting a phone call from a friend who is arriving by air tonight and won't be in town for long and I haven't seen them for a while so..."etc.
- Practice using the word "no" when declining. If you mean NO, then say it! It has more power than something like "not really", "I don't think I can", etc.
- Make sure that your body language is consistent with your verbal message. For example; try to avoid nodding your head when saying no. People often unknowingly nod their heads and smile when attempting to refuse or decline.
- Practice omitting the words "I'm sorry" when declining. Try to be conscious about using this phrase to excuse your refusal or otherwise you may weaken your credibility. Habitual use of this phrase can distract from or disguise your real intent.
- If the other person refuses to take no for an answer, continue to repeat your assertive refusal. Fight persistence with persistence. In some cases it really helps to sound like a broken record.
- If you are not sure if the request is reasonable or not, ask for more information. Try breaking the habit of committing yourself too early. Often your feelings will help you to decide if a request is fair or unfair. If you feel uncomfortable, trapped or very hesitant, this might be a clue that the request is unreasonable.
Broken Record
Calm repetition - saying what you want over and over again - will eventually get through.
Situation: A coworker who constantly interrupts you, demanding that you drop what you're doing and help them. "But I need your help now."
Response: "I'm going to complete the letter I'm currently working on first. I'm going to complete the letter I'm currently working on and then I will help you."
Fogging
Teaches acceptance of manipulative criticism by calmly acknowledging to our critic that there may be some truth in what he says, yet allows you to remain your own judge of what you do.
Situation: A colleague says, "I see you're wearing that same old tweed jacket you always wear."
Response: "That's right, I do seem to wear my tweed jacket a lot of the time."
Negative Assertion
A skill that teaches acceptance of your errors and faults (without having to apologize) by strongly and sympathetically agreeing with hostile or constructive criticism of your negative qualities.
Situation: "You promised you'd get me this report by Friday and now it's Tuesday and still no report."
Response: "That's right, I did tell you I would get the report to you by Friday. I didn't make my deadline and you have every reason to be upset."
The DESC Script
A multi-purpose approach to dealing with other people's negative behavior.
Describe : Objectively describe the other person's behavior. "When you do/did..."
Express : State your reaction to the other person's behavior, your thoughts and feelings. "I think it's unfair" or "I feel mad and frustrated when..."
Specify : State specifically what you want. "I'd like/prefer if you..."
Consequences : State the positive consequences that will result from an agreement. "If you agree to this, we will both be more effective in our work" or "I will make a note of it in your performance evaluation"
Find out what's really going on. Describe the situation as you see it, and ask others to describe it as they see it.
Be honest about your opinion. Use the word "I" to make sure people understand that this is your opinion, but state it clearly. "I think..."
Be clear about your needs. You have a right to be respected and cared for, but others can't help you unless you are direct about what you need.
Find out what others need from you. Actively seek this information. Don't assume anything.
State your feelings. They are an important consideration in any decision that is made. At the same time, be open to the emotions and criticism others need to express.
Be creative and flexible in your decision making. Having thought through all of the above; be comfortable with your decision. Don't be apologetic, but be willing to both give and take praise and criticism.
Use body language effectively. Make eye contact. Relax your hands and face. Use a firm, warm voice and speak up clearly.
Helpful Hints for Saying NO to Requests and Demands
- Be brief. Give a legitimate reason for your refusal; eg. "I really don't have the time". Avoid lengthy explanations and untruths; "I can't come tonight because I'm expecting a phone call from a friend who is arriving by air tonight and won't be in town for long and I haven't seen them for a while so..."etc.
- Practice using the word "no" when declining. If you mean NO, then say it! It has more power than something like "not really", "I don't think I can", etc.
- Make sure that your body language is consistent with your verbal message. For example; try to avoid nodding your head when saying no. People often unknowingly nod their heads and smile when attempting to refuse or decline.
- Practice omitting the words "I'm sorry" when declining. Try to be conscious about using this phrase to excuse your refusal or otherwise you may weaken your credibility. Habitual use of this phrase can distract from or disguise your real intent.
- If the other person refuses to take no for an answer, continue to repeat your assertive refusal. Fight persistence with persistence. In some cases it really helps to sound like a broken record.
- If you are not sure if the request is reasonable or not, ask for more information. Try breaking the habit of committing yourself too early. Often your feelings will help you to decide if a request is fair or unfair. If you feel uncomfortable, trapped or very hesitant, this might be a clue that the request is unreasonable.
Broken Record
Calm repetition - saying what you want over and over again - will eventually get through.
Situation: A coworker who constantly interrupts you, demanding that you drop what you're doing and help them. "But I need your help now."
Response: "I'm going to complete the letter I'm currently working on first. I'm going to complete the letter I'm currently working on and then I will help you."
Fogging
Teaches acceptance of manipulative criticism by calmly acknowledging to our critic that there may be some truth in what he says, yet allows you to remain your own judge of what you do.
Situation: A colleague says, "I see you're wearing that same old tweed jacket you always wear."
Response: "That's right, I do seem to wear my tweed jacket a lot of the time."
Negative Assertion
A skill that teaches acceptance of your errors and faults (without having to apologize) by strongly and sympathetically agreeing with hostile or constructive criticism of your negative qualities.
Situation: "You promised you'd get me this report by Friday and now it's Tuesday and still no report."
Response: "That's right, I did tell you I would get the report to you by Friday. I didn't make my deadline and you have every reason to be upset."
The DESC Script
A multi-purpose approach to dealing with other people's negative behavior.
Describe : Objectively describe the other person's behavior. "When you do/did..."
Express : State your reaction to the other person's behavior, your thoughts and feelings. "I think it's unfair" or "I feel mad and frustrated when..."
Specify : State specifically what you want. "I'd like/prefer if you..."
Consequences : State the positive consequences that will result from an agreement. "If you agree to this, we will both be more effective in our work" or "I will make a note of it in your performance evaluation"
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