Approaching Perfection
Let's take a look at "failure" in a way that expands some of the concepts previously explored in this module.
[Sliding Scale: Failure to Perfection]
Failure <---> Deafeat/Flop <---> Goal/Success <---> Perfection
Perfection means completed, finished, without defect or flaw. Since humans are fallible, we can only approach perfection. A Goal/Success refers to attaining something we want for happiness, comfort, or growth. Because humans are always in the process of becoming, a goal is placed somewhat to the left of perfection. You might argue that you could set a goal to save 5% of your income and meet that goal perfectly. But aside from simply quantifiable endeavors, goals are generally imperfectly met. That is, improvements could ideally be made no matter how well one performs. Perfecting means making more nearly perfect. This can occur as one attempts to reach a goal or after meeting a goal.
People imprecisely say, "I'm a failure" (which means "I always and in every way fail"), when they mean to say, "I failed to reach my goal; I fell short of my goal; I made a mistake, etc." To slightly alter Hubert H. Humphrey's quotation to improve our understanding, "There's a big difference between failure and defeat. Failure is when you are defeated and [never] learn nor contribute anything."
Handling "Flops"
Rather than using the label failure, I prefer the word "flop" to refer to unfortunate events/behaviors, falling short, mistakes, etc. Flop sounds less serious and less permanent than failure, and refers to an external, not the core.
One more concept is worth reiterating. Research demonstrated that a pessimistic thinking style held by men in their twenties predicted poor physical health when those men reached their forties and fifties (Peterson, Seligman, and Vaillant 1988). When an unfortunate event occurred, the pessimistic men tended to fully fault themselves, believe that they would never improve, and believe that misfortune would spill into over into all areas of life. For example, after failing a math test, a pessimist would think, "it's me, I'm a failure; I always mess math tests up; I am just unlucky when things really matter." Optimists on the other hand, who fared better years later in their physical health, might think, "I wasn't up to par that day; it's a one time thing; this won't ruin my life." Similar thinking styles tend to distinguish drug addicts who relapse after slipping from those who rebound from similar setbacks.
From such research we can form certain guidelines for handling setbacks:
1. Admit mistakes. Don't deny responsibility, but focus on remedial action: what you need to do.
2. Reframe the event. Instead of condemning the self, which erodes self esteem and saps motivation, focus on externals. For example, instead of thinking "What's wrong with me?", focus on externals, like fatigue, incomplete preparation, too little experience, etc.
Instead of considering something a total failure, remind yourself that there will probably be other opportunities. After experiencing a "flop", ask yourself the following questions:
- Did certain things go well?
- What are the advantages of not getting what I wanted?
- What coping skills could I learn from this?
- Were there signs of an impending crisis that I did not heed?
- If a similar event occurs again, what could I do to attend to the signs earlier?
Exercise: "Flop" Inoculation
Guidelines such as those above can be helpful. Let's put them into practice here. The following exercise derives from Stress Inoculation, developed by psychologist Donald Meichenbaum (1985). He states that people can prepare for stress by practicing what they will think and do before, during, and after encountering a stressful event. Exposure to small and safe doses of imaginary stress can "inoculate" us just as medicines can inoculate us for a disease. Here, the stressful event is the prospect of "flopping" (falling short of a goal, making a mistake, performing poorly).
Step One:
Take a look at the following statements and decide whether any of the them could have meaning for you if chosen as part of your coping repertoire to mistakes/setbacks. Jot down any that hold meaning for you, or any that you think of as you go over the examples.
For BEFORE an event
- It will be fun to succeed, but not the of the world if I don't
- I'm new at this, so I'll be a little extra careful until I get the hang of it
- I see this as a new challenge, not a problem or a threat
- This is a gift (opportunity, adventure, or challenge), not a problem
- I'll approach this with curiosity, not fear or self doubt
- I'll aim to do a good job. I won't ruin the experience with perfectionism
- I have as much right as anyone to try my hand at this
- I'll look for successes in little steps and ways. I'll dismiss all-or-nothing demands on myself
- I am embarking without absolute certainty of all the facts and outcomes, and that's okay
- I have a right to decide what's best for me and to implement my decision with confidence and without apology
- I calmly examine the probable outcomes of my actions
- If I'm not uptight about mistakes, I'll also be more creative
- My focus is on development, not mistakes
- It's okay to try and to "flop"
- I'll choose the course that seems best
- I'll relax and consider different approaches and their probable consequences... then I'll make the best choice I can
- I'm optimistic and open to all possibilities
- What will this challenge require of me? What can I realistically give?
- I don't have to be perfect to do well
- It could be fun to try and stretch in the process
- I'm not afraid to risk and fall short because my worth comes from within
- What's the worst that could happen?
For DURING an event
- This is difficult. Relax and focus on the task
- Take it step by step. Feel good about little successes
- It's too bad things aren't perfect, but they're not a catastrophe
- Everyone makes mistakes and has rough edges. Why should I assume I don't?
- My quest to transcend and shape these imperfections is important
- Relax and enjoy the process, glitches and all
- I'm human. It's okay to be imperfect. I'll do my best
- I focus on the process. The outcome will take care of itself
- I'll take it one step at a time
- Remember humor. It reminds me I'm neither as great as I wish I were, nor as bad as I or anyone else might think
- This informs me about my present limitations
For AFTER an event
- I had a weakness. That was then. This is now
- I'm just a beginner at this, and beginners have to expect mistakes now and then
- This isn't a signpost to the rest of my life
- I am hopeful
- I take responsibility for understanding the situation, but not necessarily taking the blame, and never condemning myself
- My judgment and behavior were bad, but I am not bad
- Okay now what? What are my options now?
- This revealed a weakness. This is a part of me, not all of me
- The weak parts are rough edges. At the core I am worthwhile
- I love myself for this
- I am still here for myself, to be a friend through this period
- I have the courage to love myself when I'm imperfect (this is my foundation for growth)
- No matter what happened, I am still worthwhile, precious, and unique
- I admit sometimes I'm this way. It disappoints me. I can do something about this.
- I accept the way I sometimes am, and I love those imperfect parts of me too. This love gives me the security to grow in these areas
- No matter how bad it seemed, certain things went okay. I've gained wisdom and experience
- I'll change my course so I can be happier
- I am teachable. I can change and grow
- I can shape my future
- I can use experiences from the past and convert them to strengths
- I have the right to improve and develop each day
- I have the right to make mistakes. I am capable to admit them and repair them as much as humanly possible
- This will pass
- This will help me be better, wise, stronger
- I have the right to correct my course
- This mistake is a way to look at what I'm doing and see what I want to correct
- This is not really a failure, but efforts toward success
- Instead of "failure", think: bad choice, bad judgement, missteps, false start, momentary loss of my way, blip, or falling short
- I'm capable to learn from this and improve next time
- Mistakes show me what I want to improve/correct/what's not working
- I'll be wiser next time
- Mistakes makes me human and fallible, just like everyone else
- Okay, I botched that; if at first you don't succeed, try again
- Okay, so I mess up 10 percent of the time. The rest of the time I do pretty well
- There's a bright side to this even if I don't see it yet
- Isn't it great that I can do such a ridiculous thing and still have hope?
- Isn't it interesting that I sometimes condemn myself overall for a weakness or imperfection?
- I made a mistake; I am not a mistake
- I am more than my mistake. There is more to my life history than this
- I erred; now I'm returning to my good patterns right away
- I did it before, I'll do it again
- I believe things will improve
- Okay, I handled this, I can handle other challenges too
- This is not the end of the world
- My downfall isn't the end of me
- The sun will come up tomorrow
- No use crying over spilled milk; it's water under the bridge
- No one is a "failure" until he gives up altogether
- I'll not be defeated twice: once by circumstances and once by myself
- Eventually I will improve. There will be another chance
- This was a difficult and complex task. It was made more difficult by [obstacle or negative factor]
- What will I learn next time?
- I can't possibly control everything
- Failure is an event, never a person
- Oh boy! Now I'm really going to learn something
- Failure isn't final. Start again.
- Years from now, will anyone really care about this?
Step Two:
Write down nine statements that you would most like to remember to tell yourself Before (3 statements), During (3 statements), and After (3 statements) times when your behavior falls short of your goals. Statements can come from the lists provided or be statements you've come up with on your own.
Keep these statements handy and use them to "inoculate" yourself against becoming pessimistic and lowering your self esteem after "flops" as practice, so that when it happens you'll have those phrases ready in your mind.
Let's take a look at "failure" in a way that expands some of the concepts previously explored in this module.
[Sliding Scale: Failure to Perfection]
Failure <---> Deafeat/Flop <---> Goal/Success <---> Perfection
Perfection means completed, finished, without defect or flaw. Since humans are fallible, we can only approach perfection. A Goal/Success refers to attaining something we want for happiness, comfort, or growth. Because humans are always in the process of becoming, a goal is placed somewhat to the left of perfection. You might argue that you could set a goal to save 5% of your income and meet that goal perfectly. But aside from simply quantifiable endeavors, goals are generally imperfectly met. That is, improvements could ideally be made no matter how well one performs. Perfecting means making more nearly perfect. This can occur as one attempts to reach a goal or after meeting a goal.
People imprecisely say, "I'm a failure" (which means "I always and in every way fail"), when they mean to say, "I failed to reach my goal; I fell short of my goal; I made a mistake, etc." To slightly alter Hubert H. Humphrey's quotation to improve our understanding, "There's a big difference between failure and defeat. Failure is when you are defeated and [never] learn nor contribute anything."
Handling "Flops"
Rather than using the label failure, I prefer the word "flop" to refer to unfortunate events/behaviors, falling short, mistakes, etc. Flop sounds less serious and less permanent than failure, and refers to an external, not the core.
One more concept is worth reiterating. Research demonstrated that a pessimistic thinking style held by men in their twenties predicted poor physical health when those men reached their forties and fifties (Peterson, Seligman, and Vaillant 1988). When an unfortunate event occurred, the pessimistic men tended to fully fault themselves, believe that they would never improve, and believe that misfortune would spill into over into all areas of life. For example, after failing a math test, a pessimist would think, "it's me, I'm a failure; I always mess math tests up; I am just unlucky when things really matter." Optimists on the other hand, who fared better years later in their physical health, might think, "I wasn't up to par that day; it's a one time thing; this won't ruin my life." Similar thinking styles tend to distinguish drug addicts who relapse after slipping from those who rebound from similar setbacks.
From such research we can form certain guidelines for handling setbacks:
1. Admit mistakes. Don't deny responsibility, but focus on remedial action: what you need to do.
2. Reframe the event. Instead of condemning the self, which erodes self esteem and saps motivation, focus on externals. For example, instead of thinking "What's wrong with me?", focus on externals, like fatigue, incomplete preparation, too little experience, etc.
Instead of considering something a total failure, remind yourself that there will probably be other opportunities. After experiencing a "flop", ask yourself the following questions:
- Did certain things go well?
- What are the advantages of not getting what I wanted?
- What coping skills could I learn from this?
- Were there signs of an impending crisis that I did not heed?
- If a similar event occurs again, what could I do to attend to the signs earlier?
Exercise: "Flop" Inoculation
Guidelines such as those above can be helpful. Let's put them into practice here. The following exercise derives from Stress Inoculation, developed by psychologist Donald Meichenbaum (1985). He states that people can prepare for stress by practicing what they will think and do before, during, and after encountering a stressful event. Exposure to small and safe doses of imaginary stress can "inoculate" us just as medicines can inoculate us for a disease. Here, the stressful event is the prospect of "flopping" (falling short of a goal, making a mistake, performing poorly).
Step One:
Take a look at the following statements and decide whether any of the them could have meaning for you if chosen as part of your coping repertoire to mistakes/setbacks. Jot down any that hold meaning for you, or any that you think of as you go over the examples.
For BEFORE an event
- It will be fun to succeed, but not the of the world if I don't
- I'm new at this, so I'll be a little extra careful until I get the hang of it
- I see this as a new challenge, not a problem or a threat
- This is a gift (opportunity, adventure, or challenge), not a problem
- I'll approach this with curiosity, not fear or self doubt
- I'll aim to do a good job. I won't ruin the experience with perfectionism
- I have as much right as anyone to try my hand at this
- I'll look for successes in little steps and ways. I'll dismiss all-or-nothing demands on myself
- I am embarking without absolute certainty of all the facts and outcomes, and that's okay
- I have a right to decide what's best for me and to implement my decision with confidence and without apology
- I calmly examine the probable outcomes of my actions
- If I'm not uptight about mistakes, I'll also be more creative
- My focus is on development, not mistakes
- It's okay to try and to "flop"
- I'll choose the course that seems best
- I'll relax and consider different approaches and their probable consequences... then I'll make the best choice I can
- I'm optimistic and open to all possibilities
- What will this challenge require of me? What can I realistically give?
- I don't have to be perfect to do well
- It could be fun to try and stretch in the process
- I'm not afraid to risk and fall short because my worth comes from within
- What's the worst that could happen?
For DURING an event
- This is difficult. Relax and focus on the task
- Take it step by step. Feel good about little successes
- It's too bad things aren't perfect, but they're not a catastrophe
- Everyone makes mistakes and has rough edges. Why should I assume I don't?
- My quest to transcend and shape these imperfections is important
- Relax and enjoy the process, glitches and all
- I'm human. It's okay to be imperfect. I'll do my best
- I focus on the process. The outcome will take care of itself
- I'll take it one step at a time
- Remember humor. It reminds me I'm neither as great as I wish I were, nor as bad as I or anyone else might think
- This informs me about my present limitations
For AFTER an event
- I had a weakness. That was then. This is now
- I'm just a beginner at this, and beginners have to expect mistakes now and then
- This isn't a signpost to the rest of my life
- I am hopeful
- I take responsibility for understanding the situation, but not necessarily taking the blame, and never condemning myself
- My judgment and behavior were bad, but I am not bad
- Okay now what? What are my options now?
- This revealed a weakness. This is a part of me, not all of me
- The weak parts are rough edges. At the core I am worthwhile
- I love myself for this
- I am still here for myself, to be a friend through this period
- I have the courage to love myself when I'm imperfect (this is my foundation for growth)
- No matter what happened, I am still worthwhile, precious, and unique
- I admit sometimes I'm this way. It disappoints me. I can do something about this.
- I accept the way I sometimes am, and I love those imperfect parts of me too. This love gives me the security to grow in these areas
- No matter how bad it seemed, certain things went okay. I've gained wisdom and experience
- I'll change my course so I can be happier
- I am teachable. I can change and grow
- I can shape my future
- I can use experiences from the past and convert them to strengths
- I have the right to improve and develop each day
- I have the right to make mistakes. I am capable to admit them and repair them as much as humanly possible
- This will pass
- This will help me be better, wise, stronger
- I have the right to correct my course
- This mistake is a way to look at what I'm doing and see what I want to correct
- This is not really a failure, but efforts toward success
- Instead of "failure", think: bad choice, bad judgement, missteps, false start, momentary loss of my way, blip, or falling short
- I'm capable to learn from this and improve next time
- Mistakes show me what I want to improve/correct/what's not working
- I'll be wiser next time
- Mistakes makes me human and fallible, just like everyone else
- Okay, I botched that; if at first you don't succeed, try again
- Okay, so I mess up 10 percent of the time. The rest of the time I do pretty well
- There's a bright side to this even if I don't see it yet
- Isn't it great that I can do such a ridiculous thing and still have hope?
- Isn't it interesting that I sometimes condemn myself overall for a weakness or imperfection?
- I made a mistake; I am not a mistake
- I am more than my mistake. There is more to my life history than this
- I erred; now I'm returning to my good patterns right away
- I did it before, I'll do it again
- I believe things will improve
- Okay, I handled this, I can handle other challenges too
- This is not the end of the world
- My downfall isn't the end of me
- The sun will come up tomorrow
- No use crying over spilled milk; it's water under the bridge
- No one is a "failure" until he gives up altogether
- I'll not be defeated twice: once by circumstances and once by myself
- Eventually I will improve. There will be another chance
- This was a difficult and complex task. It was made more difficult by [obstacle or negative factor]
- What will I learn next time?
- I can't possibly control everything
- Failure is an event, never a person
- Oh boy! Now I'm really going to learn something
- Failure isn't final. Start again.
- Years from now, will anyone really care about this?
Step Two:
Write down nine statements that you would most like to remember to tell yourself Before (3 statements), During (3 statements), and After (3 statements) times when your behavior falls short of your goals. Statements can come from the lists provided or be statements you've come up with on your own.
Keep these statements handy and use them to "inoculate" yourself against becoming pessimistic and lowering your self esteem after "flops" as practice, so that when it happens you'll have those phrases ready in your mind.
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