Theory Box: The Link Between Self Esteem and Assertiveness
A person with Low Self Esteem does not value themselves and therefore finds it more difficult to be assertive.
Why?
- Sees self as weak and dependent, lack of confidence in self
- Places a low value on self and on own needs
- May be unaware of personal rights and feel unworthy of claiming them
- Is guarded and defensive so others don't really know what they want or feel
- Is afraid of consequences
- Wastes a lot of energy on being defensive and afraid of consequences
- May feel responsible for other's feelings (afraid to hurt others under any circumstances)
- Does not love self enough so may try to get own needs met either indirectly (ex. hinting) or at the expense of others
- Is unable to get needs met so may become depressed or angry
- Engages in negative self talk
A person with High Self Esteem values themselves and therefore finds it easier to be assertive.
Why?
- Sees self as having strengths and being independent, self confident
- Recognizes their own needs as important
- Recognizes personal rights and feels important enough to claim them
- Communicates openly and clearly and is able to tell others what I think, feel and want
- Is prepared for consequences
- Has energy available for effective living
- Feels responsible only for own feelings (may hurt others but not intentionally)
- Loves self enough to be able to consider the feelings and upsets of others
- Is able to get needs met by communication and negotiation
- Engages in positive self talk
Mirror Exercise
Stand in front of a full length mirror and look at your face and body. Notice your feelings as you do so. Probably you will like some parts of what you see more than others. If you are like most people, you will find some parts difficult to look at for too long because they agitate or displease you.
Perhaps you see a pain in your face you do not want to confront. Perhaps there is some aspect of your body you so dislike that you can hardly bear to keep your eyes focused there. Perhaps you see signs of age and cannot bear to stay connected with the thoughts and emotions those signs evoke. So the impulse is to escape, to flee from consciousness, to reject, deny, disown aspects of yourself.
But stay focused on your image in the mirror a few moments longer, and experiment with saying to yourself, "Whatever my defects or imperfections, I accept myself unreservedly and completely."
Stay focused, breathe deeply, and say this over and over again for a minute or two, without rushing the process. Rather, allow yourself to experience fully the meaning of your words. You may find yourself protesting, "But I don't like certain things about my body, so how can I accept unreservedly and completely?" But remember, "accepting" does not mean we cannot imagine, or wish for changes or improvements. It means experiencing without denial or avoidance, that a fact is a fact; in this case, it means accepting that the face and body in the mirror are your face and body, and that they are what they are.
If you persist, if you surrender to reality, if you surrender to awareness (which is what accepting ultimately means) you may notice that you have begun to relax a bit, and perhaps feel more comfortable with yourself and more real.
Even though you may not like or enjoy everything that you see when you look in the mirror, you are still able to say, "Right now, that's me. And I don't deny that fact, I accept it". That is respect for reality.
Being Real
"There is no reality except for the one contained within us. This is why so many people lead such an unreal life. They take the images outside themselves for reality and never allow the world within to assert itself." - Herman Hesse
Being real implies that we can be with ourselves, that we know what is going on inside of us. We know when we meet someone we like, when we meet someone we don't like, and we have some sense of why. We know which activities bring us pleasure, and what work undertakings feel fulfilling because they reflect the values and ambitions that are important to us. We know what foods we like to eat, what clothes we are comfortable in, and what kind of lifestyle might best suit us. We know how we prefer to spend our weekends, what kind of socializing is our kind of socializing. Most important of all, from hour to hour during the course of any given day, if asked how we were, we would be able to reply.
This kind of being real enables us to meet life's complications with some semblance of security that we will probably come out better for having done so.
On the other hand, there is the phony act some people have learned to mimic sincerity. Madison Avenue has used "real" to sell everything from aspirin to yogurt. We have all been with people who have a good "real" act; they make deep eye contact, and then they "share" more intimate details than are appropriate to the situation. This false sincerity has a rehearsed quality; it lacks spontaneity, true connection and knowledge of the self. Being real implies that the silver threads of consciousness are connected inwardly, from emotion to thought to cognition to fantasy. Impulses, yearnings, and dreams have a central meeting place, and there we can call on them to release information about the self.
"I will work in my own way, according to the light that is in me" - Lydia Maria Child
Truly being real asks us to be willing to be in touch with our self even when what comes up is not exactly what our vanity might wish for. To be real we must content ourselves with the thought that we will never be completely within our own view. Rather, we will catch glimpses of what is going on at a particular moment. In order to be real, we must give our self room to express itself naturally and fluidly according to what it is, not according to the dictates of what we perceive to be the most palatable to our idealized image of ourselves.
The energy of soul does not appear when we are not aware of it. It does not disappear when we are pretending to be real. It just waits for us to discover it, to be willing to allow it to breathe through us and enable it to be present.
"Be yourself, that's all there is of you" - Emerson
A person with Low Self Esteem does not value themselves and therefore finds it more difficult to be assertive.
Why?
- Sees self as weak and dependent, lack of confidence in self
- Places a low value on self and on own needs
- May be unaware of personal rights and feel unworthy of claiming them
- Is guarded and defensive so others don't really know what they want or feel
- Is afraid of consequences
- Wastes a lot of energy on being defensive and afraid of consequences
- May feel responsible for other's feelings (afraid to hurt others under any circumstances)
- Does not love self enough so may try to get own needs met either indirectly (ex. hinting) or at the expense of others
- Is unable to get needs met so may become depressed or angry
- Engages in negative self talk
A person with High Self Esteem values themselves and therefore finds it easier to be assertive.
Why?
- Sees self as having strengths and being independent, self confident
- Recognizes their own needs as important
- Recognizes personal rights and feels important enough to claim them
- Communicates openly and clearly and is able to tell others what I think, feel and want
- Is prepared for consequences
- Has energy available for effective living
- Feels responsible only for own feelings (may hurt others but not intentionally)
- Loves self enough to be able to consider the feelings and upsets of others
- Is able to get needs met by communication and negotiation
- Engages in positive self talk
Mirror Exercise
Stand in front of a full length mirror and look at your face and body. Notice your feelings as you do so. Probably you will like some parts of what you see more than others. If you are like most people, you will find some parts difficult to look at for too long because they agitate or displease you.
Perhaps you see a pain in your face you do not want to confront. Perhaps there is some aspect of your body you so dislike that you can hardly bear to keep your eyes focused there. Perhaps you see signs of age and cannot bear to stay connected with the thoughts and emotions those signs evoke. So the impulse is to escape, to flee from consciousness, to reject, deny, disown aspects of yourself.
But stay focused on your image in the mirror a few moments longer, and experiment with saying to yourself, "Whatever my defects or imperfections, I accept myself unreservedly and completely."
Stay focused, breathe deeply, and say this over and over again for a minute or two, without rushing the process. Rather, allow yourself to experience fully the meaning of your words. You may find yourself protesting, "But I don't like certain things about my body, so how can I accept unreservedly and completely?" But remember, "accepting" does not mean we cannot imagine, or wish for changes or improvements. It means experiencing without denial or avoidance, that a fact is a fact; in this case, it means accepting that the face and body in the mirror are your face and body, and that they are what they are.
If you persist, if you surrender to reality, if you surrender to awareness (which is what accepting ultimately means) you may notice that you have begun to relax a bit, and perhaps feel more comfortable with yourself and more real.
Even though you may not like or enjoy everything that you see when you look in the mirror, you are still able to say, "Right now, that's me. And I don't deny that fact, I accept it". That is respect for reality.
Being Real
"There is no reality except for the one contained within us. This is why so many people lead such an unreal life. They take the images outside themselves for reality and never allow the world within to assert itself." - Herman Hesse
Being real implies that we can be with ourselves, that we know what is going on inside of us. We know when we meet someone we like, when we meet someone we don't like, and we have some sense of why. We know which activities bring us pleasure, and what work undertakings feel fulfilling because they reflect the values and ambitions that are important to us. We know what foods we like to eat, what clothes we are comfortable in, and what kind of lifestyle might best suit us. We know how we prefer to spend our weekends, what kind of socializing is our kind of socializing. Most important of all, from hour to hour during the course of any given day, if asked how we were, we would be able to reply.
This kind of being real enables us to meet life's complications with some semblance of security that we will probably come out better for having done so.
On the other hand, there is the phony act some people have learned to mimic sincerity. Madison Avenue has used "real" to sell everything from aspirin to yogurt. We have all been with people who have a good "real" act; they make deep eye contact, and then they "share" more intimate details than are appropriate to the situation. This false sincerity has a rehearsed quality; it lacks spontaneity, true connection and knowledge of the self. Being real implies that the silver threads of consciousness are connected inwardly, from emotion to thought to cognition to fantasy. Impulses, yearnings, and dreams have a central meeting place, and there we can call on them to release information about the self.
"I will work in my own way, according to the light that is in me" - Lydia Maria Child
Truly being real asks us to be willing to be in touch with our self even when what comes up is not exactly what our vanity might wish for. To be real we must content ourselves with the thought that we will never be completely within our own view. Rather, we will catch glimpses of what is going on at a particular moment. In order to be real, we must give our self room to express itself naturally and fluidly according to what it is, not according to the dictates of what we perceive to be the most palatable to our idealized image of ourselves.
The energy of soul does not appear when we are not aware of it. It does not disappear when we are pretending to be real. It just waits for us to discover it, to be willing to allow it to breathe through us and enable it to be present.
"Be yourself, that's all there is of you" - Emerson
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