Skip to main content

Module 6.5: Harm Reduction - Willingness vs Willfulness

Willingness vs Willfulness

The notion of willingness versus willfulness is taken from Gerald May's (1982) book on the topic.

Willingness is accepting what is, together with responding to what is, in an effective or appropriate way. It is doing what works. It is doing just what is needed in the current situation or moment.

Willfulness is imposing one's will on reality - trying to fix everything, or refusing to do what is needed. It is the opposite of doing what works.

One metaphor is that life is like a game of cards. It makes no difference to a good card player what card they get. The object is to play whatever hand they get as well as possible. As soon as one hand is played, another hand is dealt. The last fame is over and the current game is on. The idea is to be mindful of the current hand, play it as skillfully as possible, and then let go and focus on the next hand of cards.

Willingness

Willingness is readiness to enter and participate fully in life and living.
Willingness is doing just what is needed, in each situation, wholeheartedly, without dragging your feet.
Willingness is listening very carefully to your Wise Mind, and then acting from your Wise Mind.
Willingness is acting with awareness that you are connected to the universe (to the stars, to people you like and don't like, to the floor, etc.)

Replace Willfulness with Willingness

Willfulness is refusing to tolerate the moment.
Willfulness is refusing to make changes that are needed.
Willfulness is giving up.
Willfulness is the opposite of doing what works.
Willfulness is trying to fix every situation.
Willfulness is insisting on being in control.
Willfulness is attachment to "me, me, me" and "what I want right now".

Willingness, Step by Step

1. Observe the willfulness. Label it. Experience it.
2. Radically accept that at this moment you feel, and may be acting, willful. You cannot fight willfulness with willfulness.
3. Turn your mind.toward acceptance and willingness.
4. Try half smiling and a willing posture.
5. When willfulness is immovable, ask "what's the threat?"

What are some situations where you notice your own willfulness?
What are some situations where you notice your own willingness?
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Guide to Modules

Module 1: Rational Emotive Therapy This module uses Rational Emotive Therapy (RET) to address Distorted Thinking. It reveals Faulty Assumptions and Biases that we all hold which influence how we view and react to the world, and gives advice on how to more accurately interpret the world and take control of our emotions. I recommend this module to: - anyone who wants a better understanding how their mind works - anyone who feels that their emotions and feelings are uncontrollable Module 2: Anger and Being Effective This module addresses Anger by teaching Effective methods to deal with intense anger and conflict.  It helps you figure out your personal anger styles, teaches how to make yourself aware of your anger, and skills on how to manage anger. I recommend this module to: - anyone who wants to better resolve conflict in their life - anyone who feels that their anger reactions are unhealthy and would like to learn helpful skills - anyone who lives with or are otherwi...
Post a Comment
Read more

Module 3.7: Assertiveness Practices and Skills

Assertiveness Skills for Conflict Resolution Find out what's really going on. Describe the situation as you see it, and ask others to describe it as they see it. Be honest about your opinion. Use the word "I" to make sure people understand that this is your opinion, but state it clearly. "I think..." Be clear about your needs. You have a right to be respected and cared for, but others can't help you unless you are direct about what you need. Find out what others need from you. Actively seek this information. Don't assume anything. State your feelings. They are an important consideration in any decision that is made. At the same time, be open to the emotions and criticism others need to express. Be creative and flexible in your decision making. Having thought through all of the above; be comfortable with your decision. Don't be apologetic, but be willing to both give and take praise and criticism. Use body language effectively. Ma...
Post a Comment
Read more

Module 2.8: Boundaries

Setting Limits: Creating Healthy Boundaries Jenny's mother is ill and lives alone. Although she can afford it, Jenny's mother refuses to hire anyone to help her with housework and meals, so Jenny rushes over every day after work to prepare her a meal, do some cleaning and laundry. By the time she gets home to start supper for her own family, Jenny is feeling tired and resentful. Seven year old Matthew has been signed up for hockey, even though he doesn't want to play. He tells his dad that he's afraid he'll get hurt. His father replies in anger, "I can't believe you're such a wimp, I don't want to hear any more of that kind of talk!" Mark's boss confides in Mark about her problems with her husband and other personal matters. Lately, she has started to talk to Mark about her concerns with other employees, Mark's peers. Mark feels uncomfortable with this, but is reluctant to say anything, since his employee review is coming up soon....
Post a Comment
Read more